Kevin David Creative

Summer’s in full swing and you know what that means. That’s right: you need to get in your car at 6:34 a.m. because you can’t sleep after dreaming that your teeth exploded, drive to the nearest grocery store while ignoring the various warning lights on your dashboard, and notify the manager that you have an appointment with Dr. Pork.

The manager, recognizing that you’re not messing around, will hit the panic button under his desk. You now have approximately six minutes before the authorities arrive to gather all of the elements you’ll need to make my patented pork chops. And unlike the wall of text recipes you’ve seen on other sites, I don’t care if your hubby likes it. That’s actually not true. If anything, I care too much.

Here’s what you’ll need:

-Four to six pork chops on the bone.

-One bottle of Veri Veri Teriyaki Pineapple marinade (make sure it’s the pineapple variety).

-One canister of French’s onion straws.

-One package of pepper jack cheese.

-Sides of your choice. I like to pair this pork with sweet potatoes and garlic stir-fried snow peas.

Now that you have your ingredients:

1. Place pork chops in marinade for at least six hours and preferably overnight. While you’re waiting, you can read a book or DoorDash some backup chops just in case this whole thing goes awry.
2. Turn on the grill to high heat and scrape grates using a wire brush, taking care not to swallow any of the metal bristles that will absolutely rip your esophagus to shreds and leave you with a staggering itemized hospital bill including a $400 charge for three Advil.
3. In order to achieve a peak Maillard reaction, you’ll want to pat your pork chops dry before cooking. What is the Maillard reaction? According to Serious Eats, “The Maillard reaction is responsible for the browned, complex flavors that make bread taste toasty and malty, burgers taste charred, and coffee taste dark and robust.” So, make sure to remove all excess marinade with some paper towels or your bedsheets if they’re within reach.
4. Place the chops on the grill, turn down the heat to medium and close the lid. After failing to avoid eye contact, make some small talk with your neighbor. Potential discussion topics include mulch color preference and how the sun will eventually transform into a red giant, consuming us all.
5. After about four minutes, give the chops a flip and close the lid again. In fact, close all the lids in your house. Be sure to use a flashlight if the power happens to be out at the time.
6. Just before the chops are finished, place onion straws and pepper jack cheese on top of each and close the lid. If there’s anything you take away from this recipe, it’s that I love opening and closing lids. I’m talking all shapes and sizes.
7. According to the National Pork Board (full disclosure: I’m a donor), the safe internal pork cooking temperature for fresh cuts is 145° F. Once they’ve reached this Pork Board-approved temp, remove chops and let them rest for about 7-8 minutes.
8. Send your kids to bed early with a fun bag of flour for dinner so that you can enjoy some grownup time with your spouse or local solar panel salesman.
9. Turn the lights down low, put on the sensual sounds of Making the Cut with Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn, and TUCK INTO THOSE CHOPS!